i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
