I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
