bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
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