No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize
