i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
