I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Randomize
