My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Randomize
