so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
