3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
