The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
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