so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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