can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
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