just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
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