If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
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