Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Randomize
