I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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