your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize