i need an iv and a liver transplant
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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