i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Randomize
