yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
