FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
