I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
