I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Randomize
