so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
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