So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Randomize
