i love accidental penises.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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