She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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