Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
