Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
