i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I would fuck him just for his dog
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
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