Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Randomize
