If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Well I just put wine in my tea
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
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