Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
