Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
What happened to fro yo and sex?
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
