I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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