We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
