I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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