I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Randomize
