WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
