Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
