If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Randomize