the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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