So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
