Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize