She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Randomize
