he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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