thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Randomize
