My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
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