You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Randomize
