Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
