i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
