i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
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