have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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