first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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