Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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