watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
