I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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