His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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