She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
