dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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