I must be too annoying 4 u.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Randomize
