I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize