Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
