I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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